I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
