Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
