dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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