so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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