Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
