I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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