toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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