We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
