i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
