First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You ruined the universe
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
