I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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