He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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