I just made out with a guy for $7.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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