Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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