i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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