Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
