There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
