the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
