he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
