Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
