I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
