Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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