you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
