So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
