I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
