I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
