I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
