Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
