sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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