Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
