wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can tuck mytits in my pants
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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