The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
