I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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