I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
