I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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