hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
