In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
