Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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