My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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