If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
