You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
