Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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