It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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