you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
