Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
