im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
