its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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