life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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