I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
