youre lurking in front of me
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
