Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
